Feedback is something I used to dread, something I needed to defend myself or give an excuse to explain why the feedback was not valid. If you have a boss, you must be getting feedback regularly. Some bosses withhold their feedback till the season of annual performance appraisal when they dump all on you in one fell swoop, when the damage has been done, and no opportunity to make amends within the appraisal period.
Some bosses give you feedback in real time, which can be aggravating if you are averse to feedback. I remember one such boss – a straightforward guy who goes straight to business dispensing with pleasantries. You always knew where you stood with him. Initially, I was pissed off, and we locked horns regularly. His reputation was company-wide. Often, I would run into colleagues, who upon finding out who my new boss was, often asked how I was coping.
It took a while and much aggravation before the penny dropped, and I became aware of what a blessing that boss was. As a Project Engineer then, I was clear as to what my responsibilities were and what the contractor’s responsibilities were. If I did what I was supposed to do, I saw no reason why I should be blamed for the shortcomings of the contractor. My boss Syed saw it differently. He kept hammering the point that I should be proactive, anticipate the contractor’s failings, and assist the contractor in any way I could to get the overall desired Team result. His favorite phrase was wrapping my hands around the ball, don’t let it get away from you.
I finally got the memo, and wrapped my hands around the ball I did. I practically babysat the contractor and hauled him across the finish line to attain critical project milestones which resulted in my getting a promotion at the next appraisal season. If Syed had waited till the appraisal interview to tell me what I did wrong, the project outcome would have been different. I was glad I had time to tell him a heartfelt thanks before he was transferred out of town on his next assignment.
That encounter taught me how to embrace feedback no matter how bitter.
We often wait for the feedback to be served to us as a sugar-coated pill before we accept it. It reminds me of children who reject bitter-tasting pills. Agreed, sugarcoating or putting bitter medicine in capsules helps drink it down. The challenge is that you are depending on the source of the feedback to decide whether it will go down well with you or you will simply spit it out. That essentially gives away your power to others.
I often hear ‘I don’t like the way she spoke to me,’ hence you resist, become defensive, get into a shouting match, and lose the lesson completely.
I have had feedback delivered to me with insults. I remember a client who called my product substandard and gave reasons. My Team was mad with indignation and wanted to delete the feedback. I reminded everyone to sidestep the insult and take the feedback. We knew our product was not substandard, and we did implement the suggestions.
If you lost your way and walked up to a stranger who gave directions by saying “You must be very stupid, just go straight and when you get to the next junction, look carefully to the right and you will see a sign pointing to the street you are going to.” Would you abandon the journey because of the insult? hit the person and get arrested for assault? or simply give a polite response and move on?
Being criticized is not fun. We are all human and things like this still get to us. To make good decisions, we need good data, and if the data comes in an offensive manner, keeping our eyes on the goal helps us shrug off the undesirable, take what is useful, and keep stepping.
As we grow a thicker skin, we are better able to take what comes to us, even from trolls who do not mean well. There are malicious comments or feedback that belong to the recycle bin, but valid feedback should be embraced, even if it means extracting the nuggets before trashing them.
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